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Clean Jokes
Joke 1
A man wakes up in a hospital bed after an operation and cries,
"Doctor, I can`t feel my legs."
The doctor walks over to the poor man and says "Of course you
can`t , I`ve amputated both your arms."
Joke 2:
A rabbi and a priest are involved in a bad car crash. There
cars are totally destroyed but both clergymen are uninjured.
After they crawl out of there cars, the rabbi spots the priests
collar. "So you are a priest and I am a rabbi. Just look at our
cars and we have not even got a scratch. God must have intended for
us to meet and become friends and live the rest of our lives
together in peace."
"I agree with you totally," says the priest "This must be a sign from
God. You will be my closest friend for as long as we both live."
"Look at this," the rabbi continues "Here is another miracle already.
Look here in the back. A botle of wine, unbroken surely God wanted
us to seal our friendship with a drink." With this he pops open the
bottle and hands it to the priest, who takes several swigs and hands
it back to the rabbi. But he just hands it back to the priest.
"Aren`t you having any ?" the priest asks.
"No," the rabbi replies, "I think I will just wait for the police."
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Joke 3:
The warden of a mentaly ill insitute arranged for the inmates
to go on a trip to the baseball. So the warden spent a few days
before the trip training the patients to obey his commands so
that there would`nt be any trouble.
The day of the game came and all the inmates went to the game,
when it was time for the National Anthem the warden yelled,
"Up, nuts!" and the inmates rose imediately. When the National
Anthem had finished the warden yelled, "Down, Nuts!" and all the
inmates sat down. When ever the home team made good play the warden
yelled "Clap, nuts!" and the inmates applauded. They were all very
well behave.
Because things were going so well the warden left his seat to go
and buy a hot dog and a beer. When he came back, there was a riot
going off. So the warden went up to his assistant and demanded
"What happened?"
"Everything was fine" said his assistant "until some guy came over
and shouted,'Peanuts'!"
Joke 4:
Two blokes where walking down the a contry lane when they noticed
a hole. They could`nt see the bottom so they picked up a phew pebles.
When they dropped them down they did not hear a thing. So they went off
to find something bigger to throw down, they both came back with two
football sized rocks, they dropped them down, but still they could`nt
hear a thing. So the men walk off to find a bigger thing to drop
down, they find a railroad tie. So they drop it down the hole
expecting some noise, but same again not a sound.
Suddenly a goat comes flying out of nowhere and goes straight past
the two men and shooting down the hole. The two men are stood next to
the hole astonished at what they have just seen. Then out of the woods
comes a farmer and approachs the two men.
"Hey have you two seen my goat out here." the farmer asked
"Yeah the craziest thing I have ever seen, it has just lept past
us and jumped straight down the hole." the men replied.
"Nah" said the farmer "it could`nt have been my goat, my goat was
chained to a railroad tie."
Joke 5:
One day an elderley deaf man goes to see his doctor who claims
that he can improve his hearing by 100 %. When the doctor does it
he tells the man to return in a few weeks.
After a few weeks the man returns and tells the doctor that he
can hear perfectly. The doctor says to the man "I bet your family
are so happy that you can hear again."
"I have`nt told them" replied the man, "I`ve changed my will three
times."
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